Have you ever noticed that two equally skilled staff members can respond to the exact same behavioral crisis with completely different outcomes? One walks into the room and tension seems to decrease almost immediately. Another enters, says many of the same words, yet the situation escalates within minutes.
Why?
While experience and communication skills certainly matter, neuroscience suggests another powerful factor is at work: our nervous systems constantly influence one another.
Before people actually register our words consciously, they are reacting to our tone of voice, facial expression, posture, breathing, speed of movement and general physiology. In many cases the nervous system is speaking before we ever do.
Studies in interpersonal neurobiology and Polyvagal Theory have shown that humans frequently stabilize or regulate each other emotionally. This is called co-regulation (Porges, 2021; Schore, 2022). In other words, we often “borrow” someone else’s calm when faced with crisis before we can internally generate calmness ourselves.
The Science of Emotional Contagion
We’ve all experienced emotional contagion without knowing it. We walk into a room filled with laughter and find ourselves smiling even before you know what everyone is laughing at. Walk into a stressful meeting where everyone is tense, and your shoulders might involuntarily slump.
Emotions are contagious.
Research shows that during social interactions, we instinctively synchronize aspects of our behavior, physiology, and emotional state. Our brains automatically scan for emotional signals from others, quickly assessing whether we have entered a safe or dangerous environment.
The challenge is that the same process occurs during behavioral crises. Fear, anxiety, frustration, anger, and panic can spread quickly through a classroom, treatment setting, or workplace if they are not interrupted. The good news is that calm can spread just as quickly.
Mirror Neurons and Social Learning
One explanation for this phenomenon comes from research involving mirror neurons.
Mirror neuron systems fire both when you do something and when you see someone else doing the same thing. Research on the function of mirror neurons is ongoing, but they are known to play a role in imitation as well as empathy and social cognition (Rizzolatti & Sinigaglia, 2016).
Whether through mirror neuron systems or broader social learning processes, humans are wired to observe one another closely. We unconsciously model breathing patterns, vocal intensity, facial expressions, posture, and emotional reactions.
This means our behavior is constantly teaching…even when we are saying nothing.
The Social Engagement System
Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory expands this understanding through what he calls the social engagement system. According to Porges (2021), our nervous system is continuously evaluating whether people around us are safe. This process, known as neuroception, occurs largely outside conscious awareness.
When another person’s face appears relaxed, their voice remains steady, and their movements are predictable, our nervous system is more likely to interpret the interaction as safe. Conversely, hurried movements, loud voices, rigid posture, or visible frustration may unintentionally communicate danger—even when our words are reassuring.
This helps explain why saying, “You’re safe,” while speaking loudly with tense body language often fails. The nervous system tends to trust physiology before vocabulary.
Why Staff Self-Regulation Matters
Perhaps the most overlooked aspect of de-escalation is this: the first nervous system we must regulate is our own.
When staff members become frustrated, fearful, or reactive, their sympathetic nervous system activates just as anyone else’s would. Heart rate increases. Breathing becomes shallow. Muscles tighten. Cognitive flexibility decreases.
Without even realizing it, we may begin speaking faster, standing more rigidly, interrupting more often, or issuing commands with greater intensity. Ironically, these behaviors can increase the other person’s sense of threat, creating a cycle in which both nervous systems escalate together.
Effective de-escalation breaks that cycle.
Practical Strategies for Co-Regulation
Fortunately, co-regulation isn’t magic. It starts with mindful intention.
Notice your breathing. Deep, rhythmic breaths can help you self-regulate and will often help set the pace for the interaction.
Notice your voice. A slow and steady tone conveys far more feelings of safety than using the “correct” words.
Watch your posture. Uncrossed arms, relaxed shoulders, open hands, and controlled movements all lower threat.
Slow your speed. In a moment of crisis our brains often want to speed up. The reality is slowing down often feels like confidence, control, and safety to others.
Above all else, learn to notice your own trigger points. If your heart starts racing, your jaw clenching, your hands are fisted or you feel yourself getting angry, take a moment to regulate yourself before trying to help someone else regulate.
Borrowing Calm
One of the greatest misconceptions about de-escalation is that it is something we do to another person. More accurately, effective de-escalation is something we create with another person.
When individuals become overwhelmed, their nervous system often loses access to the regulation skills they normally possess. Until those systems recover, they may depend upon the calm presence of someone else.
That is the remarkable power of co-regulation. People often borrow our nervous system before they regain control of their own.
As professionals, educators, healthcare workers, parents, and leaders, perhaps our greatest contribution during a crisis is not having the perfect words. It is becoming the calm, steady presence that another nervous system can trust until it is capable of finding its own balance again.
References
Porges, S. W. (2021). Polyvagal safety: Attachment, communication, self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Rizzolatti, G., & Sinigaglia, C. (2016). The mirror mechanism: A basic principle of brain function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 17(12), 757–765. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn.2016.135
Schore A. (2022). Right brain-to-right brain psychotherapy: recent scientific and clinical advances. Annals of general psychiatry, 21(1), 46. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12991-022-00420-3
